Sunday, December 16, 2007

She's Like A Melody

She's everywhere, and nowhere. That's what's most painful, even after all this time.

Sunday, October 28, 2007


Right now I find myself downtown, at the roof top of Whole Foods market. I'm actually doing some meditating, because I just can't do that kind of thing at home. Weird right? I'm feeling some what depressed about my life in general right now - basically the overall tone of my existence is not positive. If I were to liken it to a song, the song would be something from King Crimson, whose dark hues and ideas transmit perfectly in the quality of their music and lyrics. Listen to the song "Epitaph" and you'll understand.

I am tired, physically tired. I feel as thhough the stress is getting to me physically again actually. I felt this way previously right before I was going to get disfellowshipped. The stress was killing me. I don't have a concrete reason to give - I mean I can't say "I feel this way because of this" or "I feel this way because of that". It's just an overall feeling. I'm sure the reader could relate - sometimes, I don't know, although nothing is wrong, everything is wrong. And this is precisely the fact why I feel extra bad - because I don't know what's wrong. UNCERTAINTY is, not good...

When you mentalist person passes another mentalist in a crowded market, the connection is such that it would be impossible not to sense. It's like passing next to a fire - you are going to feel the warmth of the fire, only to be exponentially compounded by the level of proximity to the source of heat. When you gather a whole planet worth of mentalists, and another mentalist is approaching this planet, the aura will be readily apparent. One might even say that you can catch the faintest of glow as you approach this world, and again, only to be exponentially noticed the closer you get to this planet. You can even go as far as calling it a doppler effect of mentalicism, only not. After all, mentalics would be considered a much more aimed, precise, and potent wave - nothing like sound, whose waves are weak and slow down with even the slightest turbulence. Mental power bends much less than sound.

Ok ok, if you haven't already figured it out, what I'm talking about is Asimov. In his book, The Foundation's Edge, he discusses this phenomenon at length - and in his usual Asimov manner, explains the subject so that even a monkey could understand. That's why I like his books so much - because they are easy to understand while remaining technically stimulating. Basically, this is what happened to one mentalist as he attempted to approach a planet worth of mentalists. While it was his intention to nullify their mental power in a single stroke - how can ONE defeat many? That's the question: HOW CAN ONE DEFEAT MANY? And how can one describe such a foe to his successors?

My problems, while not severe in magnitude, are such that in accumulation, their magnitude is compounded into severity. I can sense these problems, and their aura (their effects), but how can I describe these problems to Jehovah so that I can have precise help for a precise problem? Jehovah is not a God of generalities, this much is true. He expects us to speak to him concretely about a concrete problem. But how do I do this when I have a mountain of problems and not any one of them are large enough to dress directly? The way I can describe it is this way: When you sweep up a floor, for the most part you gather all large material so you can throw away. But what about the dust particles? Over the long run, these dust particles can be very harmful to your health also, but how to sweep them up? They are too small! How do you make sure that the whole floor is clean?

This is my situation right now. Not only am I dealing with my continuous failure to gain ground on reaching my goals in terms of having a good relationship with Jehovah, and forgetting Carolyn, but I am also failing at other things. How do I start to fix them all?

By mopping the floor. When I mop the floor (this can be done when I cry, or other ways, like prayer), Jehovah doesn't unappreciate this. He wants me to be happy, but this can't happen when I'm crying or I'm begging him for help. The problem is I don't mop the floor. I don't talk to Jehovah. Bottom line is - THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE IMMEDIATELY. Today I accomplished one minor goal - which will remain need to know - so I'm feeling like I can actually tackle another goal of mine for today - that of having a meaningful conversation with Jehovah tonight by means of prayer. I will continue to self examine myself and I know - with Jehovah's help - I can persevere. With Jehovah's help...

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Friday, July 20, 2007

Non vincerĂ².

I am one of the most stubborn guys you will ever meet. When I make my mind up, there is little you can do to change it. My actions act accordingly, and sometimes in direct contradiction to those that tried to negate me.

But then she tells me something, and while there was once when I could easily disregard her thoughts and feelings evoked through vocal chords and body language, this is impossible for me to do now. She speaks, and her words pierce my defenses like a hot knife through cold butter. When she cries, my whole being, the entirety of my souls feels as though as if it has been broken. And yet, I cannot stop before I act, and I end up repeating the same process again, much against her will, and really, mine also. I can't stop speaking, and I can't stop pressuring her. I hate this, but I don't know what to do. I told her recently I couldn't tell her that I loved her, as it is my belief love is something that is nurtured and perpetuated through physical contact, i.e. association in person, but I lied. Yes, I didn't tell her the truth. I love her with all my heart, but my actions tell her otherwise. No wonder she is afraid to give me another chance. No wonder she tells me that she would never consider me again. I KNOW in my heart that she still cares, even if she says she has no feelings for me, but why must I continue to screw everything up?

And this not even taking into account HIM. What must HE think about all this?

How can I tell her that I KNOW and PROMISE things will be different if I am not doing as I should NOW? Others have endure severe trials, and I can't even endure this one? When great tribulation comes, and her well being is put in danger, how will I be able to remain faithful and not retaliate brutally against those that harm even one hair on her head? I love you always and forever - I know you know this. But understand this whole situation is not as simple as you might think - it is not black and white. I really want to try my best for HIM, and you. You mean everything to me, so please be patient with me. Forgive me. Don't hate me. Please.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Monday, April 2, 2007

Love From A Distance

There are some songs that just move you. Music, I feel, can convey emotion better than words and facial expression at times. Music is what adds color to what would otherwise be a bland and insignificant life. Music heals the soul.

Quitting The Body

Singing Songs To Myself...

Have I made a good name for myself? Should I leave my body now and enter into endless, dreamless sleep, will anyone remember me? Will she remember me? Will HE remember me?