Non vincerò.

I am one of the most stubborn guys you will ever meet. When I make my mind up, there is little you can do to change it. My actions act accordingly, and sometimes in direct contradiction to those that tried to negate me.

But then she tells me something, and while there was once when I could easily disregard her thoughts and feelings evoked through vocal chords and body language, this is impossible for me to do now. She speaks, and her words pierce my defenses like a hot knife through cold butter. When she cries, my whole being, the entirety of my souls feels as though as if it has been broken. And yet, I cannot stop before I act, and I end up repeating the same process again, much against her will, and really, mine also. I can't stop speaking, and I can't stop pressuring her. I hate this, but I don't know what to do. I told her recently I couldn't tell her that I loved her, as it is my belief love is something that is nurtured and perpetuated through physical contact, i.e. association in person, but I lied. Yes, I didn't tell her the truth. I love her with all my heart, but my actions tell her otherwise. No wonder she is afraid to give me another chance. No wonder she tells me that she would never consider me again. I KNOW in my heart that she still cares, even if she says she has no feelings for me, but why must I continue to screw everything up?

And this not even taking into account HIM. What must HE think about all this?

How can I tell her that I KNOW and PROMISE things will be different if I am not doing as I should NOW? Others have endure severe trials, and I can't even endure this one? When great tribulation comes, and her well being is put in danger, how will I be able to remain faithful and not retaliate brutally against those that harm even one hair on her head? I love you always and forever - I know you know this. But understand this whole situation is not as simple as you might think - it is not black and white. I really want to try my best for HIM, and you. You mean everything to me, so please be patient with me. Forgive me. Don't hate me. Please.